Fire in my body

I’m starting to feel stuff. Like fire on my skin. I can’t see it (yet?) but it is there and it doesn’t help on my restless. It also keeps me from my favourite pass time: knitting.

Give the meds sometime to work, the doctors say. Okay, I’ll give it sometime but I don’t like it. I really don’t.

I give up on this post now. Concentration is gone.


I hate that I love when I feel awesome

My ideas at work are the best. Without a doubt.

I work really fast.

I look amazing.

I don’t need to sleep that much.

I get restless if I don’t do anything but I can work for hours without a break.

I’m impossible to stop when I start talking.

I keep buy random stuff that I NEED.

I’m clearly going manic. It is in the early earlier stages so no need to panic yet. Maybe a small change of medicine will help?

So they prescribed more abilify to me at the hospital. And now I feel nauseated during the day. Not so cool. Oxapax works better but really, I would kind of rather go without. I mean, I just hate that I love when I feel awesome.

The question I didn’t wanted at the interview

I got the question I had hoped I could avoid at my interview yesterday: why have you been unemployed for so long?

The situation was this: I was on skype for an interview for a course in personal development and leadership for young women. I have had mixed thoughts about the course. On the one hand, I would love to learn more about leadership and be supported on my road from illness to self-esteem. One the other hand, I am worried that there will be too much ‘communication through song’ and similar activities. But finally I decided that I would like to go and I was invited for the interview. It went fine until the doomsday question. “Why have you been unemployed for so long?” The honesty reply is that I have been ill for a year and that the past six months I have struggle with the fact that it is difficult to get a job as a graduate. So that was what I said. Was it the right answer? I don’t know. Was it honest? That was exactly what it was. Now I’ll just wait for the result.

Over and out.

The interview

It is freezing outside and the leafs are playing around in the strong wind. I am sitting inside. It is chilly here too. In front of me are two girls. They are asking me questions. Questions about my illness. I don’t talk a lot about it these days since I am much better. But it is nice to talk about it. It is nice to explain to somebody who is not a psychologist or doctor. It is somehow nice to say I felt this and that, this time was a hard one, these were the breaking points where I changed from mania to depression, etc. They asked me about reactions to my illness. My relatives have been nice and supporting. I had never got through without them. Never. So I told them and that is the truth.

Over and out.

The acceptance of using a bit of benzos

I hate it, but I have started using oxapax again. Everything was going so well for a period. Actually it is still going fine if I simply accept that I need some help from time to time.

These days I am applying for jobs. Maybe it is a bit too stressful, or maybe it is because I constantly need a project to keep me going. A little sewing, some knitting, a little academic writing, anything really. If not I get insanely bored and unfocused.

Benzos help, smoking helps. Both habits that I want to get rid of, but that is not so easy as I wish it would be.

Right now I am in a cafe trying to get myself together and focus on anything really. It has been possible so I believe I will get there again. I believe in optimism – for you and me. We will get there somehow.

Over and out.

Beyond my brains

Tonight I dreamt that I stole a pair of gloves. I woke up full of guilt. My first thought was “is it always going to be like this? That I overreact and overanalyse everything. Have I done that previously?” Second thought: “Do I have any oxapax left?”

The answer to the last question is not given since I finished at the hospital earlier this month. My own gp is not happy about handing them out to me.

But why so I still need it? My brains know but the rest of me do no accept this. We wanna be free and happy. That is all we have ever wanted.