My travels have gone wrong the last two year; approximately two years. Either I have been sick from the start, been feeling bad halfway through or had withdrawal abstinences from antidepressants.
I remember a particular trip when I was at a sunshine island with my husband. It was the first time in my life where I have insisted that we had breakfast at the same place every morning. It gave me a little bit of stability and then I didn’t have to think in the morning. Just get up, have a shower, get dressed, and down to the bakery. At the bakery we would talk about what we has already planned for the day. The rest of the day I more or less hid behind my husband in order to avoid facing the world. It felt more secure. Despite that it went wrong on day five. I fell face first into a mixed episode. I became aggressive and desperate. I wanted to destroy my surround and I wanted to die – at the same time. My husband, always calm, gave me meds and I passed out in a deep sleep for six hours straight. After then I was scared. I was scared of myself and I wanted to go home. That was the end of that holiday.
Similarly I fought a depression on a skiing holiday, anxiety on a trip to Barcelona, voices in my head on a internship trip, and abstinences in Rome, etc.. I felt I had taken my precautions: PN medicine, structures, and plans, but so far it has only given me a couple of days of holiday. Now I feel ready for a holiday that works out smoothly. I wish for a trip where I can be myself and enjoy the sights, but also a holiday where I am not a burden to my surroundings. For once I would like to be the independent woman I was before.
Over and out.