I did some self-coaching from a book (made by KLARHEIT as a calendar/productivity tool). I think it worked. I fell a little more focused than before. I had wondered, however, if this was the right time to do it. I mean, I just had a fall back on my health and I am popping PN meds several times a day. Is this really the time for coaching?

I can’t tell if it is the perfect time, but it doesn’t strike me as a bad time. Many of my, say, life goals remain the same – just with the addition “I not want to be ill again”. Every week the calendar as a space for you to write a focus of the week, and it has boxes to tick if you managed to do it. Today I didn’t. My focus this week is to have more energy and smile more. Neither happened. Instead I had panic attacks on two busses and kept to myself throughout the whole of lunch at work. I considered asking for a sick leave several times today. No that much sunshine and unicorns today. Too bad really.

Over and out.


European Depression Day is coming up

In my town, we are having a small debate about the competitive culture and depression about youth. We have invited a psychologist, social scientist, priest, politician and a student. I swear it is going to be exciting.

Also, if you are in Denmark, you can buy orange sock as part of the national campaign #DepressionSUCKS. You can get it here and it is pretty awesome

I will keep you posted.

Over and out.

A small dance on the table

Imagine the feeling of oxapax (benzos) and red wine. Yeah, that feeling I am having right now. The sound track is Disko Partzani by Shantel. I am having a blast. Right now. The rest of the day was kind of crappy. And where am I going with this? To the point that sometimes every little trick counts. The end in this case does justify the means. That is my opinion in this very second. The drugs brings me away from sadness and growing anxiety. It is worth it – until I can get to speak with my psychiatrist in 11 days. Well, ten and a half.

Don’t use my small trick with the alcohol – just take the morale with you: Use the little things to make you feel better.

Over and out.

Ready for another round at the hospital? 

I’m not ready for another trip as an out-patient at the psychiatric hospital. Not ready. It bloody sucks and I’m afraid of any changes to my meds and what that might do to me. Especially when I feel that I am so close to getting a job. It is the wrong timing as always. But then again, when is the right time to get sick?

I made a drawing for my psychologist to show (and remember) how I feel. You may see it too. It shows my (lack of focus), the motivation to do something, where the anxiety is etc.

Clumsiness? I need a piece of advice, please

I have a peculiar problem: I can’t seem to find my balance. It must look pretty funny when I’m on a driving bus and it seems a little dangerous when by bike. I can’t figure out if this is just me or if anyone else have experienced the same? I’m open for any help I can get. Literally any!

I have had it earlier (during my last depression) but it almost pasted – and now it is back in full strength again. I really don’t know what to do about it. I’m trying to get used to taking the bus, sitting next to the door and holding on to everything and anything I can find. Luckily it can be camouflaged as clumsiness most of the time. And so far I didn’t fall over and hurt myself.

Over and out.

Sleep tight.. 

My sleeping habits are structured, yet out of control. Work shapes the sleeping patterns. I start at eight. It takes me forty minutes to get there and I like to be there a little early. So my alarm rings at six. I finished work between two and three. When I come home, I’m tired and take a nap. For two hours. And in the evenings I go to bed at ten in order to get up at six. 

I realize that it is not much compared to people who are more sick than I am now, still.. It is a lot of sleep. And when I don’t nap, I sleep too long in the morning and have to run out of the door (with no breakfast!!). 

Does it ever go away? I have asked myself the same question on the whole journey of healing. So do it? It usually does but it takes time. It is very frustrating now and in next month or the one after it might be something else that it the matter. Great… 

Over and out 

I am sorry for what I did when I was insane

Actually really sorry. I can think of the first handful of things I should never have done because it hurt somebody and at least a handful of amazing people I lost because I was cray cray and hypo manic years ago. Even though it was years ago I still regret it. Why has it come up now? I don’t know. Is it still relevant? I have no clue. I really don’t want to bring it up or ask if I hurt someone. It is painful.

I feel that I shouldn’t blame what I did on the illness. But it gives me an explanation for why I reacted so extremely (Let’s face it, I would have gotten drunk, confronted people and been angry anyway). It doesn’t give me a solution or a way out of my shame though.

Over and out.