Tagged: bipolar

Sleep tight.. 

My sleeping habits are structured, yet out of control. Work shapes the sleeping patterns. I start at eight. It takes me forty minutes to get there and I like to be there a little early. So my alarm rings at six. I finished work between two and three. When I come home, I’m tired and take a nap. For two hours. And in the evenings I go to bed at ten in order to get up at six. 

I realize that it is not much compared to people who are more sick than I am now, still.. It is a lot of sleep. And when I don’t nap, I sleep too long in the morning and have to run out of the door (with no breakfast!!). 

Does it ever go away? I have asked myself the same question on the whole journey of healing. So do it? It usually does but it takes time. It is very frustrating now and in next month or the one after it might be something else that it the matter. Great… 

Over and out 

I am sorry for what I did when I was insane

Actually really sorry. I can think of the first handful of things I should never have done because it hurt somebody and at least a handful of amazing people I lost because I was cray cray and hypo manic years ago. Even though it was years ago I still regret it. Why has it come up now? I don’t know. Is it still relevant? I have no clue. I really don’t want to bring it up or ask if I hurt someone. It is painful.

I feel that I shouldn’t blame what I did on the illness. But it gives me an explanation for why I reacted so extremely (Let’s face it, I would have gotten drunk, confronted people and been angry anyway). It doesn’t give me a solution or a way out of my shame though.

Over and out.

If I mention to a job interview that I am ill, I will never get hired.

I never thought about this. I even thought my illness would be a strength when applying for job on projects for people with similar vulnerabilities. I guess not. They will ditch me, it seems. That is a little unfair I think. If I am asked about illnesses at a job interview, how can I tell the truth without waving the job goodbye?

Over and out.

A mixed episode aid-project

I had a mixed episode last year. It has the peek that it let me be productive for a little while. So I drafted an aid-project. I looked at it just now. It is feasible but not perfect. I could apply for some funding I guess… I remember my mom made a comment to my psychologist: She might as well have said ‘stupid stupid little girl with her aid-project’. I think that is how she is feeling now as well when I am writing a children’s book out of boredom. (currently not very good, but it keeps my busy)

Anyway, back to the aid-project. It is pretty okay if I should say it myself. But it is written in a mixed episode and it shows. It needs some love – and I need a partner; so if anyone if from central/south Italy and want to do an aid-project (for migrants) with me, please get in touch.

Over and out.

A sick tale

I want to tell you a story. It started with a sick girl. She had a stomach ache for years. She tried anything she could think of in terms of special diets. It made a different but never treated the cause.

This girl had a panic attack in the school canteen. No big deal.

This girl went travelling. Maybe things would be better away from home. But not really. New faces, new structures, new challenges. She stopped eating.

This girl came home. She was exhausted – and thin. No big deal.

She started working. Still thin. Her days went on like in a mist. Unclear. Everyone saw something was wrong.

That was my first depression. I share it with you because I have never said it out loud to anyone. I have never said how sick I was when I was 18.

Thanks for listening. Over and out.

What is my purpose of this blog?

Normally I am not as self-absorbed as it might seems on my blog. I am sorry about that impression; it makes me feel shitty. So I though it might be about time to get down to it: What is my purpose of this blog?

When I ask myself this kind of questions, it is usually stuff like ‘what is the purpose of human kind’ or ‘what is the purpose of dill’?

Now, however, the question is the purpose of this blog. There are more answers to that question:

  1. I need to share my experiences otherwise I go nuts (correcting: nutter).
  2. I want to read how other people are dealing.
  3. I hope for dialogues about aspects of the illness (although I am pretty bad at starting them myself.)

I am sorry that this blog might not be very entertaining, but it helps me a lot regardless and your comments help me even more.

Over and out.

To my support group

At first I didn’t like you. I didn’t like coming in a group where everyone was talking in turns. Several times I have been at home before a meeting and thought to myself ‘I do not want to go tonight’. Some of those times I went, others I didn’t. My husband is the reason of that. He helped me take the decisions I couldn’t. Like going to a meeting or not.

I have realised that I need this group. I need to feel that I am not all alone with my illness. And I need to practice to verbalise how I feel. You are good at that. You do something special for me. And this place is like a quiet hiding place in the sea of normality.

I came here after a psychosis and in the middle of a depression. While I have been here, I have gotten worse and I have gotten better again. While I have been here I have left the hallucinations behind, I have relearned how to bike in narrow spaces, and I have have regained the ability to have conversation.

Thanks for hearing me out. I really needed to say this. I like you now.

Over and out.